Twas a Red Green Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all ’round the Lodge

Not a vehicle was stirring, not even my Dodge.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In the hopes they’d stink less if they’d gotten some air.

 

The Lodge members were nestled, collapsed in their beds

While visions of hangovers stomped on their heads.

And I in my retainer, and Uncle Red in his cap,

Had just crashed on some couches for a post-turkey nap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a smell,

I dashed to the window and said, “What the He-ck?”

Away to the window I flew like a flash

And threw open the shutters that fell and went smash (sorry).

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Couldn’t hide where the septics had all overflowed.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a minivan full of women and beer.

 

With the driver in vinyl and artificial fleece,

I knew in a flash it was my wife, Bernice.

One old lady had a mouth drawn up like a bow,

And the hair on her mole was as white as the snow.

 

Another was hammered, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when she belched, in spite of myself.

They spoke a few words and went to the kitchen,

While the men started waking up, scratchin’ and itchin’

 

They brought turkey and sausages, kippers and trout.

They said, “Have fun boys. Cuz, tonight, it’s Ladies Night out!”

They sprang to the Magic Wagon, to the horn gave a honk.

And away they putt-puttered to go out and get stonked.

 

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all. Be home early tonight!”